Curse It

I’ve been dealing with some anger lately; lots and lots, overwhelming amounts at times.  I’ve been taking out my aggression on weights and the punching bag at the gym.  It’s too bad they don’t have gloves, because I feel like I’m going to break a knuckle open one of these times.  I am trying not to turn my anger on God.  I want to cry out.  Sometimes I feel more like Job’s wife saying: curse God and die already.   I am holding on to His promises, God is good and no matter what happens here on this earth, I know there is redemption for me on the other side in God’s arms.

Job 2:9-10

⁹ Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die.” ¹⁰ But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?”^[a] In all this Job did not sin with his lips.

I pray that I may be more like Job.  Willing to accept both good times and trials from my heavenly Father.  I also pray that God gives me the strength of character to forgive those that have wronged me and humility to ask forgiveness when I have wronged others.

Metamorphosis

I started a doodle today, just thinking about the transformations that all of us go through.  Every day, every second we are always making decisions that are changing our lives.  Every day we are making choices that will make us better or worse.  Those decisions are up to us to make.  Sometimes, our choices transform us right away and sometimes it takes time.  Like a butterfly, the cocoon isn't going to break open when we think we're ready; it'll happen when it is meant to happen.  "Be patient and trust the journey" has become my new mantra.  Just believe it and you will receive it!

Health: It's such a journey.  And I know there are always going to be highs and lows and in-betweens. It's the same story again as my first round.  I lost a few pounds and have gained them back by the second week.  Well, I'm ignoring the scale and what it says.  I know I haven't been pushing as hard with the workouts with my pulled hamstring, but I know I'm going to my limits.  I also can tell that I'm getting results because my pants to my underwear are beginning to feel loose.
Besides from the physical, my anxiety over getting a career going made me have a tiny panic attack.  My heart started to pound and my tummy got all rumbly.  I was just trying to clean up when this wave of feeling completely inadequate and "am I making the wrong decision" hit me. I just had to stop myself and go take a minute to meditate.  I laid down, put on my meditation eye pillow, and spent 8 minutes doing a body scan meditation (just checking in with the feelings throughout all the different parts of your body).  I was able to pull myself back together, refocus, and continue on with my day.  That anxiety still tries to creep back in; it wasn't a one and done type fix.  It's an every day, every thought decision to change negative self-talk to positive.

Relationships: So you know how I said I was having some forgiveness issues; well this morning I was hit smack in the face with it.  I was reading about what it means to really forgive.  Even though I keep saying that I have forgiven and given a second chance, I've been harboring bitterness, trying to control current behavior, and constantly bringing up the past.  This is what I mean when I'm trying to walk that delicate line between forgiveness and letting myself get walked all over.  There was also a section of the book that broke down forgiveness and reconciliation and the differences between the two.  It's going to be a long road, but I'm ready to start walking that road.  I don't want to be in the prison of un-forgiveness anymore. I don't want it weighing me or my thoughts down anymore.

Career:  Have you ever just got it in your head that you need something and you need it to happen NOW!  That's how I felt this week about jobs.  I'm tired of applying and I found one that I was really hopeful for; however, I called yesterday and they said they were calling candidates that day.  No call.  I held out hope that maybe today I'd hear something.  Still no.  I'm trying to trust God through all of this; he'll direct my paths and He knows exactly what I need and when.  I just have to be patient enough to let life happen.  On my webinar for my awesome coaching job (yes I love it and I wish so much that I could be helping more people all the time), I was reminded that this is a journey.  I just have to keep sharing my journey and helping people.

Forgive like Jesus

I love books.  Ask anyone who knows me, books are one of my giant obsessions.  Give me hot chocolate, a cozy blanket, a good book, and a dog or two (or even three), and I'll be set for a day.  You could probably leave me in one spot and return 12 hours later and I'd still be there reading away.

Okay, so I think you get how deep my obsession is with books.  I just got two new ones today.  I don't really have the money to buy stuff yet, but I thought these two books were something I should invest in for my own personal growth as a human.  Normally, I'm all about going and renting from the library and then buying as a last resort (unless I really love it or it's on uber sale). And heck, these two books were $6.29 total.  I picked up Procrastination: Preventing the Decay of Delay  and Forgiveness: The Freedom to Let Go, both by June Hunt.  I'm really having difficulty in the area of forgiving some of the betrayals I've felt in the last year, so I thought this book would be perfect.  I often have a hard time with forgiving.  And it's not the typical problem.  You could hurt me a million times, but if you said sorry, I'd accept it and forgive you.  I give so many second chances, I often get walked all over.  I'm hoping this book can keep me forgiving like Jesus, but still drawing the boundaries to keep from being a door mat for others.  The second is just because I love to put things off and then the next thing I know, I've run out of hours in the day!  I'm so a list maker, so I'm hoping this will help me work through my lists in a timely manner and not always losing hours of sleep to get things done.  I'll have to keep you updated on what I learn from these babies.